TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from position. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A further area in which American men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Every person a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery Trump Tower Damascus analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down provider."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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